Thoughts...

There was a time when those eyes had sparkled and filled my life with love. Now you lie here before me, your eyes still beautiful and shining like glass. But your gaze is fixed at nothingness. I look at you, my vision blurred with tears, but you don’t wake up to console me. You are indifferent to my tears because you don’t see me anymore.

I caress your cold body like I used to when it was full of life. When you were alive, you used to return my love manifolds. Now, with every touch, I wait for you to stand on your feet and surprise me. But you lie still, cold as ice, hard as rock, without any remorse for the pain you are giving me.

Many times I feel I saw you breathe and then it proves to be just a figment of my imagination. Oh! You can’t die. How can you. It’s not real. You were real. This life, without you, can’t be real. I hope in despair, this all was just a nightmare and I would wake up from it, afraid and drenched in sweat to find you near me, comforting me in your loving ways. I wait to wake up, hoping someone will stir me out of my sleep. But no one does.

Sitting by your side, watching you, every second is like a year. Time is flowing too slowly. I feel like I had been sitting here for years or for decades or since the universe had started. But I can sit here for several other lifetimes if the hope that you will wake up someday keeps burning in my heart. I can just sit here and watch your beautiful eyes, your shining hair.

I observe, even the pain that brought death could not take away that strong faith from your eyes. This observation makes me sink in greater grief. You had so much faith in me. Even fear of death could not shake that faith. I feel guilt because I don’t deserve such faith from you. I could not do anything for you. I just watched your life slipping from you like sand from a fist.

Oh! Please wake up now. They are coming. They will take you away from me. They will take you and you will never come back. Why don’t you protest? There was a time when even a minute’s separation made you greet me, on my return, as if you had missed me for years. And now, they will take you forever and you don’t resist. But why I want you to resist now. Your frail body can’t resist when your soul did not protest before angels. They snatched you from my hands and you went with them…without any resistance.

No, I can’t say that. You did resist…you were never ready to leave me. It was I who was weak. You were fighting till the end. It was I who gave up. I let them take you away, take your soul away…leaving your body lifeless. And it’s me, who can’t protect you from these hands too. I have to let them take your body.

They are carrying you away from me and I feel it’s the end of world. I can’t stop them. I can do nothing. I am weaker than ever. It seems a whole life time is slipping away in few moments. I won’t ever live again. I can’t.

You are not here anymore. I sit in dark, straining my eyes to see a glimpse of you. I strain my ears to hear you. But you are here no more. How much I long to feel you? I can’t forget anything and memories make me wild. I search for you and not finding you make me feel like dead. In fact, I am dead. I have stopped living since you ceased to be.

Now, there is a heartbeat but I am broken. They want to see me laugh; they want to hear me sing. They don’t know I died long ago when you left me. The smiles and songs are superficial. The deep roots of happiness have dried long ago. I live but I can’t feel anything. The part of me which used to feel, which used to love has perhaps died with you. Or, it has just forgot how to love and feel, for it was you who made it feel.

When they see me silent, they think I am sad. How can a dead be sad. I fear nothing now, nothing makes me sad. I have lost everything…my world…long before, when I lost you. Now, I am not afraid of loosing anything. Or, I am afraid. Yes, perhaps I am afraid of loosing it all over again. And I can’t die again. If I die again, I will die forever. So I love you and won’t build my world again. I can’t stand it again. I am already haunted by the grief of losing you. I will wilt if it happens again. I am waiting for you to be back and I will wait forever.