A secret diary entry...

Deep beneath the fake smile, there is grief, pain and sorrow that no one recognizes. It’s eating me up from inside. It’s burning all the happiness and consuming my laughter. I walk before you strong and determined. You feel you can burden me with all your tragic stories. You believe my shoulders can carry your worries bravely. You think I can support you in any difficulty. But dear, I am dying from inside.

What I say to you…those comforting words…those positive lectures…those vibes of healthy living and thinking you feel originating from me are mere illusions that I draw for you. For I want to be a support…a strong support…who can help you get rid of all your difficulties.

I want to set an example (even if it is just a delusion) for you so that you can become brave. Dear, I never want you to know that from inside, your strong support is crumbling with pain of my own tragedies. I can’t fight it. I am collapsing under the burden of my own problems. I can’t carry it.

I know, right now, when you see me you feel I am the bravest and happiest and I want you to believe it true and become truly happy and brave, yourself. I know when someday…a sudden recognition of my nearing end will dawn upon you, you will be surprised…but you won’t know what is going on or what went wrong. You will think I died fighting courageously. It’s like a candle burning. You enjoy the beautiful dancing flame that depicts the light moments of life and your attention is drawn to its melting wax when its flame goes dim and dies away…and then it’s too late.

Dear, I hope you will never come to know that I had stopped fighting...that I had given up long ago. I was just waiting for my end. I was just dancing like the flame of candle…pulling away your attention from the end that was coming upon me. You see it as a dance of life…I create it as a veil on death. I waited through all those years of pain and grief. I had never won…I had never laughed heartily since a long time…since I had lost my dreams and purposes…since my hopes were crushed under giant feet of ruthless life.

I hope before the end comes, these long years of waiting won’t make my eyes betray me. They won’t cry before you…not a single tear will fall…I hope they won’t stop shining and portraying a happy heart before you. This illusion should never break because you should always remain happy. Your happiness means a lot. It reduces some pain from my life.

No matter how and why I end…you should not know what failure or heartbreak is. I hope you will always see me superficially…thinking what I say to be true. I wish you will never get a glimpse of my inner world…that’s so dull and dark. I pray, my secrets will remain veiled throughout my lifetime and will be cremated, unnoticed, with me.


Please note: This is merely a writer's work. This is not a real diary entry and it has nothing to do with my real life. Please don't draw any conclusions about my real life or personality from this entry. :)